I had a dream about a burning house
You were stuck inside
I couldn't get you out
I laid beside you and I pulled you close
And the two of us went up in smoke
Love isn't all that it seems
I did you wrong
I'll stay here with you
'Til this dream is gone
I've been sleepwalkin'
I've been wandering all night
Tryin' to take what's lost and broke
And make it right
I've been sleepwalkin'
Too close to the fire
'Cuz it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house
-Burning House by Cam
I listen to the melody, dark but beautiful, that matches my mood. It resonates in my heavy heart. I'm stuck in a nightmare that I can't break out of. But in my nightmare, I'm not in a burning house. I'm in a small doctor's office, listening to a surgeon tell us that my Mama has a brain tumor.
She has a brain tumor, and it's incurable.
It's growing into her skull.
It's tripled in size in the past 17 months.
We can be aggressive and perform surgery to remove it, but it would likely grow back.
With her current limited functionality, surgery would likely do more harm than good.
It's about quality of life versus quantity of years.
It all plays in my head on repeat. Like a broken cd, the facts play over and over. Like a cruel game of darts, the facts are hurled at me and there is nothing I can do to stop them.
I'm angry. I'm so angry. I prayed for healing, God. I asked you to heal her. I believed you would. Hasn't she been through enough? You've called my family to leave the country, and we obeyed. We obeyed! Is this what obedience looks like?
I'm heavy with grief. So heavy. I don't want to imagine a life without my Mama. I don't want to think about a world where I have more babies and my Mama isn't here to see them born and grow. I can't consider a place where my sister gets married and Mama can't give her away. I don't want to think about all the things she'll miss, and all the times we will yearn for her presence.
It's too much. It's too much and not enough, all at once.
But when it's too much: God.
I can feel embittered with Him, not understanding His plan, but still know He's here. Because, He is. He just is.
A few weeks ago, my Mom had an MRI which lead to her follow-up appointment yesterday. The MRI showed progression of something, which we thought to be the dementia. When I received that news, I hadn't considered an alternative to God healing her - here - on Earth. It really didn't cross my mind that her tumor would grow back. I don't know why, but it didn't.
After I received that news, I dug into His word. In Exodus 6:2-8, I read this:
"God also said to Moses, "I am the Lord. I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob as God Almighty, but my name is the Lord. I did not make myself known to them. I also established my covenant with them to give them the land of Canaan, where they lived as aliens. Moreover, I have heard the groaning of the Israelites, whom the Egyptians are enslaving, and I have remembered my covenant. Therefore, say to the Israelites: "I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment. I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the Lord."
In other words, God established Himself in my grief-stricken brain first. Then, He reminded me of all that He has done already, all the ways He has been faithful. He reminded me of the promise He's given; to heal my Mom. Then, He said He will be freeing from slavery. This tumor, limited mobility, and the dying body all equal enslavement. He is going to free my Mom from the enslavement that has held her in chains for far too long. At the end of the passage, He reminded me that He will fulfill His promise.
In all the ways this world enslaves us, God's love exists to free us. In the ways that I feel bitter and angry that God may not allow Mom to stay with us longer, He reminds me that He has a better plan: complete healing. The kind of healing that gives her a perfect body, where she won't be limited by memory or physical disfunction. The kind of healing that grants her access to the physical presence and glory of Jesus. The kind of healing that means she will be praising Him alongside her mom, our Mema, and her grandmother, our Nanny Tucker. The kind of healing that means she will get to meet our babies. She will lay eyes on their faces and know who they are. The kind of healing that will have her celebrating with all the Heavenly host when souls on Earth cross from death to life.
His plan is clearly better than mine. His plan means I say goodbye to her on Earth, but it means I see her again in the blink of an eye. It means she will be free.
So I can't stay bitter at the thought of losing her, because that would be making it about me. I can't stay angry, because I realize that He is giving her the best gift. I know better that obedience doesn't always mean a perfect outcome, but that in the imperfection lies God's perfect love. It's enough. He's more than enough.
We've all heard the phrase "too little, too late" before. In our case, it is "so much, and just in time." When we were prepared to say goodbye last year, God granted us another year with her, where she was not only able to see the birth of her first grandchild, but hold her. She got to watch her grow. She was able to revel in the gift of Camden's life. We got to spend the most special of time, to say things we've been wanting to say. We've been able to see His healing in our own hearts the past months.
It's so much. So much of God's goodness.
So as our family steps forward, unsure of what the future holds and how much time she has, we can be sure that God is holding her life and will soon free her from the chains of this life.
And we can celebrate those things.
Thank you Jesus, for the work you are doing. We praise You!
