Have you ever prayed for something specific for any amount of time and then feel completely humbled when God answers your prayer, like it's a miracle He heard you?
Well, this is me, like, ALL the time! How funny that I doubt if God really, truly hears my prayers. I know for me, this doubt is tied to my emotions: If I don't feel God there, I wonder if He really is. Though God created my emotions, He doesn't mean for them to rule my life. He created me to feel passionate, deep emotions, both good and bad. But sometimes, negative emotions get the better of me because they feel, well, so finite! They're NOT. Emotions are not in and of themselves an end-all or be-all. They should not take precedent over biblical truth, ever. This is an area of my life God has been convicting me of lately, reminding me that no matter what the current circumstance, no matter what the feeling, He is present. He is real. He loves me.
I have been praying for the past few months for God to show me how and how much He loves me. Dating back to my early childhood, I struggled in believing anyone could love me. This stemmed from a mix of both lies from Satan and a lack of parental love. Then comes my sweet husband, who God used to open my heart and eyes to what unconditional love looked like, and slowly, I started to understand that God, a perfect, sinless being, must be capable of a totally different, much greater type of love if my husband, a human with flaws, could show a love so deep as he has.
I have felt for many months that I must be on the verge of some great breakthrough. I could just feel it in my spirit that God was really, really trying to break me free of chains that have been binding me for a long, long time. I penned this scripture, Hosea 6:3, on our bathroom mirror a few months back as a reminder to continually seek the Lord no matter what I'm feeling/experiencing: "Let us know, let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn, he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the Earth."
During Easter services at our church, through a sermon clip filmed in the Garden of Gethsemane, this scripture from Matthew 26:39 was shared: "Going a little farther, he (Jesus) fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." This scripture is a beautiful representation of Jesus' submission to the Father, yes, but there's more here. Jesus struggled through the submission. Intellectually, I've known and received that Jesus' crucifixion was a terrible hardship (for lack of better word), but it was as if my heart had been asleep to this for the past nearly 7 years of my relationship with Him. Though He was a sinless human, He was human nonetheless - which means He experienced pain and heartache as we know these things to be, but multiplied more times than we can count. The weight of MY sin was almost too heavy for Him to carry. But here's the best part: He did it ANYWAY. He died for ME. I felt God speak to me in His tender way, "Carrie, I sent my son there for YOU. He struggled with an intensity you can't understand to save You, to free YOU. THAT is how much I love you. If you doubt, look at the cross, look at my face, and know my love for you is great."
Just like that, my prayer had been answered. I could do nothing but weep and praise Him. To this moment, I am dumbfounded by the thought. I think of all the ways I have hurt Him and will continue to hurt Him, and I realize He did it anyway. I think about the pain I've known of children lost, at the vapor of a second I got to experience the love of a parent for their child, and I realize He did it anyway. He chose to send His son to die anyway. I think about the cost, how for me, it would be too much to bear, and I realize He did it anyway.
The really fun thing about all of this is that my Father came to me just as He promised through Hosea. Just as I know the sun will rise each morning, God came to me. Just as surely as there will be rain, God came to me. In the Spring time, God came to me.
I have experienced a freedom this past week or so that I've never felt before. I have been able to let go of the worry, doubt, and lack of faith I have carried for far too long. This is my God! This is what He does! He loves us far too much to let us stay where we are. Because even if we think we're in a good place, He has something so, so much better waiting just ahead of us! My favorite part of all of this is that the same thing Jesus did for me, He did for every single human being that has ever and will ever walk this earth. He loves each of us more than our minds can comprehend!
I hope this encourages you the same way it has encouraged me! I hope you are able to see the way God has been faithful to me, just one tiny person, and have some shred of hope, no matter how small, that He can and will do the same for you! I'm praying that God breaks others chains the same way He has begun to break mine.
Thank you, Jesus, for your work! We praise you.
