If you know Daniel and I or have been reading my recent blog posts, you know where we've been the past 20 months: We've had two miscarriages.
I've been through so many emotions and struggles through this time, all truly based on worry, which Jesus clearly commands us not to do as we see in Matthew 6:25-34, where the variation of the words "do not worry" are mentioned FIVE times! I have held in my heart a deep, deep desire to have children, but have worried I would not be able to carry and birth a child. Daniel and I both want several pairs of feet running through our house, but I have asked God if He would allow me to carry at least one child. If He calls us to adopt our children, we will do it faithfully and joyfully, but I have not been able to 'get over' this desire to carry a child.
I realize now, that desire is there because God's calling to motherhood has not been lifted. Do I know what He has in store for us in the future? No, of course not. But He has not called me to let go of this desire, because it's been placed in my heart by HIM.
Recently God has blessed my life with a budding friendship of a very Godly and wise woman, who is a mother, but has also experienced the pain of miscarriage. We were having lunch one day and I was sharing with her my strong desire to carry a child, and at the same time how I'd been trying to navigate God's will for us as opposed to my own. As I can't fully explain the depth of that desire here, I couldn't explain it to her, either, but I tried nonetheless. God used her in that meeting to remind me that, if we are delighting ourselves in Jesus and we have a deep desire for something, we should remain hopeful that God will bring that desire to fruition. I agreed with her, and from that point, began to pray again that God would bless us with children. (Somewhere along the way, I believe I tried to bury that desire. Thank you, Jesus, for unearthing it again!)
A few days later, she sent me this scripture followed by her feelings about it, which I will include because she explains it so eloquently:
"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:5
I feel like this speaks to validity of the hopes you have for children. God's plan doesn't always look like ours and His timing almost never looks like ours but we are still called to to hope, and promised here not to be put to shame in that hope! To dwell in the truth, today, that He is doing a work suited to fill the deepest crevices of your soul that He purposely and lovingly made.. all will be as it should! So I encourage you to keep your hope alive of carrying a child; He will not put that hope to shame!"
Now, let's fast forward to Mother's Day. I have been feeling great lately but I still anticipated at least some part of the day to be a little rough. During mothers day service, all mothers are asked to stand and be recognized; I didn't necessarily look forward to this. I joked with my sister-in-law, Heather, that I was going to stand anyway; it may be unconventional but I am a mother - my children are just not here with me on Earth. (All jokes aside, if you happen to be in my shoes, someone who has lost children in pregnancy or even after, you must understand that you are not merely a woman who has experienced a loss; you are a mother who has lost her child.) I could have stood - my church family would have accepted it and I wouldn't have been judged, don't get me wrong - but I didn't. As I sat there, Heather beckoning me to stand beside her, for the first time in months and months, I cried for the loss of my children. I got it together and sat through the message, which was preached out of 2 Kings 4:8-17:
"One day Elisha went to Shunem. And a well-to-do woman was there, who urged him to stay for a meal. So whenever he came by, he stopped there to eat. She said to her husband, "I know that this man who often comes our way is a holy man of God. Let's make a small room on the roof and put in it a bed and a table, a chair and a lamp for him. Then he can stay there whenever he comes to us." One day when Elisha came, he went up to his room and lay down there. He said to his servant Gehazi, "call the Shunammite." So he called her, and she stood before him. Elisha said to him, "Tell her, 'You have gone to all this trouble for us. Now what can be done for you? Can we speak on your behalf to the king or the commander of the army?'" She replied, "I have a home among my own people." "What can be done for her?" Elisha asked. Gehazi said, "She has no son, and her husband is old." Then Elisha said, "Call her." So he called her, and she stood in the doorway. "About this time next year," Elisha said, "you will hold a son in your arms." "No, my lord!" she objected. "Please, man of God, don't mislead your servant!" But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her."
I began to feel that God was using this story to give me a promise. But just as the Shunammite woman dismisses Elisha's promise to her, I began to dismiss Gods. I didn't want to get my hopes up - again - and be disappointed - again. God was not to accept my doubt. Toward the end of the service, the video entitled God Made a Mother was shared, and at the images of a mother cradling her swollen belly, I began to weep. The desire had not left. I sat with my husband on one side and my sister-in-law on the other, weeping uncontrollably but feeling the love of God every second. Daniel held tight with the strength I didn't have; Heather wept with me and shared the grief I felt. When the service ended, Heather proclaimed that this story was ordained by God for us; that this was to be our promise. This was divine confirmation that what I had heard and felt was not to be dismissed with doubt.
So, this is our prayer and proclamation:
Let the Shunammite woman's story be ours! By this time next year, we will hold our baby in our arms.
You don't have to tell me that this a mighty, bold prayer. As I mentioned earlier, I have been itching to write for the past week, but I have honestly been afraid to share this. What if God doesn't "come through" for us? What if He doesn't answer our prayer? But in the midst of the doubt and worry, I knew within me God was asking me to share this in faith. In a sermon several weeks ago, our teaching pastor preached about breaking the chains of fear, which you can watch by clicking here. Toward the end, he explains that the best way to break the chains of fear, doubt, and worry, are with faith - When you feel yourself asking the questions of fear that start with "What if?..," faith would have you declare statements of "Even if.." This is what I am practicing. I could easily continue to go the fear route: "What if we don't have a baby around this time next year and this blog makes me look like a fool?" Instead I am proclaiming faith: "Even if it doesn't happen this way, You are still God, You are still Faithful, You still Love me and You still have a GOOD plan for me!"
The following morning, this is what I read in my devotional, which is written as God speaking to His child:
"You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone. Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, any more than you can comprehend My dealings with others. I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment. As I said to my disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me." Referenced are Psalm 119:105 & John 21:22
Again, I believe this to be confirmation; a beckoning from God not to sink into the pit of doubt, and instead trust Him by following Him.
Every day I wake up saying, "I'm believing you, God!" I proclaim many times throughout the days, speaking aloud that He WILL do this! This WILL happen! He has been lovingly reminding me of all the ways He has been faithful to us these past 20 months. In the midst of the hardest struggle of my life, He was there! He was ever present, ever faithful, ever loving. I began reading through my journal entries from last year and decided to share this entry, from April 1, 2012, less than two months after our first loss, which I believe perfectly illustrates the beauty of God's faithfulness:
There
has been unrest in my soul, a drought within me that seems endless. I have felt
fear and anxiety. Will this happen again? Will I have to experience losing
another child?
I
have experienced worry upon worry; will I be fearful during my next pregnancy?
Will I even be able to enjoy being pregnant? Will I be able to lose myself in
the blessing of life growing within me?
I
have experienced anger. Why, God? Why would you let this happen? Why would you
want to utilize this loss as a way to bring me closer to you? Why couldn’t you
get my attention some other way?
I
have experienced heartache. I have broken my Savior’s heart in my sinful ways.
I haven’t trusted him, I haven’t confided in him, I haven’t opened my heart to
him. I have cursed him, yelled at him, and taken all my anger out on him.
I
have felt grief. I so desperately mourn over this life that I didn’t get to
meet. I mourn that my stomach is not growing from the life inside me. I mourn
having to go through this life without watching our child grow.
But
in the midst of all of this emotion has been God. His son, who He sent for my
benefit and freedom, has been waiting for me and with me through every step of
this journey. I have been reminded that He feels my pain. He knows my
heartache. He weeps with me, his heart overflows with the sadness that overwhelms me. Just as I am angered that this happened, He didn’t want this to
happen either. I believe that if it was His way, our child would be here NOW,
an undeveloped yet precious life constantly growing within me. I believe our
child would have been healthy, he or she would have been beautiful and perfect
in the way he or she was created.
But
instead, this didn’t happen. Not because Jesus is trying to teach us a lesson
or speak to us, but because we live in a fallen world and this is just another
example of how sin rules in this life. We are experiencing the trials of life,
but Jesus has already overcome them. He has taken this heartache and is slowly
shaping it into something beautiful. He is holding me, in my ugly, sinful
state, and making me a newer, better, more whole person. He is chipping away at
my dirt to reveal a brilliant, shining light he placed within me. Slowly, he is
making me more like him. Though losing my child is tragic, God is making it
beautiful, because this will be about Him, and he is the most beautiful thing
about life.
Every
day I am faced with a decision: To remain stuck in this dark, sinful place by
refusing to open my heart to Jesus’ refinement or to allow him to move within
me and accepting the freedom through that process. Some days I fail by choosing
to remain stuck. Other days, I feel a little bit lighter as I have chosen to
open my heart to Him who can heal and carry my burden.
Though
I still feel mostly pain and heartache, I know He is with me. I may not feel
his presence, I may feel dry and ugly and gross, but I have to believe he is
here. Even in the midst of this despair, I want to love Jesus in the way He
loves me. I want to be His servant, to be used by Him. I want to be less sinful
and more like Jesus. I want to serve my husband well, I want to love my family
unconditionally, I want to be a good steward of my time both on a daily basis
and while on this earth. I want my heart to be pure and honest and free, but
most of all, I want to BE free in the hope of Jesus and through His cross.
Though
I am in a valley and can’t see the beautiful view which rests on a mountaintop,
the soil is thick here. There are flowers blooming around me, grass gently
swaying, and a breeze softly caressing me. There is peace here, there is hope
here, there is life here, even if I do
not feel it right away.
I
am eager to start my climb back to the mountain top. I am eager to experience a
new, more precious view. But this is not about me. It is about the perfect One
who has me here in this valley. He is equipping me for my next journey up the
mountain, and will not send me on my way until I have everything I need to make
my journey light.
And
our child? He or she is perfect. He or she is worshiping Jesus as I transfer
the thoughts of my heart into words. He or she is serving our Mighty God who is
seated on the throne, and my God takes great delight in His wonderful creation.
No, I will not have the joy of knowing this life during my time on earth, but
one blessed day, I will see for myself how great this being is. We will worship
our Savior together for all eternity; we will sing with the angels and praise
the name of Jesus forever. It is in this that I find great comfort and can
praise my God in the fire. No matter how long I am here, I will call on the
name of the Lord, for he is the only one who can comfort my crying heart. He is
the only one who can still my anxious soul.
Jesus, help me to do this
daily. Help me to praise your name, help me to trust in your word, help me to
open my heart to you. Shape me, God, make me new. Take away the dirt and make
me shine. Take delight in me as you do our child, as you do your Son. Heal me,
God. Heal me. Show me who I am in You and teach me to live in your presence.
Teach me to love you, God. I want to love you. Do what you will in me, make me
more like you.
In Jesus’ name.
If you are reading this and are a praying person, I ask you to join with us in praying the bold prayer that the Shunammite woman's promise will be ours. Please, petition God on our behalf. Please pray that we would have faith that God will do as He says, He will honor His promises.
Just as God honored my prayer to set me free, we believe He will honor the prayers of His children.
Above all, please pray that even if the timing of our desire doesn't match God's, we will remain joyful in hope.
Thank you Jesus, for the work you are doing. We praise you!
