It has been quite a while since my last post! I feel like I start most posts with that line, and it's true. Most of them have been far between! I can always feel when God is pushing me to write - I get an "itch" as I like to call it - a little stirring within and before I know it, God has put something on my heart to share.
I've been living lately in the belief of the promises God has given Daniel and I regarding children. When we pray, we speak boldly. We stopped asking God to give us children and instead have begun asking God to prepare us for the children He has promised. In living the faith, I've begun to notice just how much Jesus has transformed my heart and the desire within, reclaiming it from the ways I've selfishly tried to take it into my hands. The truth is, we all have desires for our lives. Sometimes it can be super tricky deciphering which desires are ours and which desires come from Jesus, no doubt. When I was a young teenager, before I became a Christian, my aunt gave me a small, rectangular piece of wood, meant as wall decor, that was hand-painted and decorated in all sorts of fun girly colors. On it was written this bible verse:
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4
As soon as I opened the gift, I loved it immediately! Not necessarily for the bible verse but for - you guessed it - all the fun girly colors. I remember getting home, hanging it on a wall in my bedroom, and then sort of forgetting it was there. Don't get me wrong, it was pleasing aesthetically, but beyond that, it didn't have much meaning. But then, I began paying more attention to that verse. I would read it over and over, trying really hard all the while to understand what in the world it meant. It made absolutely no sense to me! Delight myself in the Lord? Huh?! How do you do that? Give me desires? WHAT?! You get the idea.
I didn't understand that verse before meeting Jesus but in the years since becoming His child, it has become a staple in my life. Something so simple as a gift that hung on a wall, God used to open my eyes to His ways and deepen my walk with Him. It has enabled me to decipher the origin of desires within me more times than I can count. As I have continued to seek Jesus more and more, my heart has become so delighted with Him! As His child, I am in Him, and He in me. And just as the verse states, He has placed desires within me I know could only come from Him. Moreover, He has deepened my desire to have children in His time and in His way! That right there is proof enough that God is a miracle worker!
But true to form, the human condition creeps up every now and then, and those desires placed by God are manipulated in our selfishness. I was here for so long. I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted it. I was living in a self-induced prison, having taken something God meant to glorify Him into my hands, turning it ugly. For a long time, having children wasn't about God's calling on my life, but about me, something I am ashamed to admit but also very humbled by. I don't need to look back to September 2007, when God saved me, to see the ways He has transformed me; I only need to look back to last year, last week, or even yesterday. He is constantly shaping me! Every morning I wake, I am promised new mercy, as Lamentations 3:22-23 states. When God looks at me, He doesn't see my sin, but instead the finished work of the cross. Mark 16:19 says "After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God." Jesus could sit down because all His work was done! He died on the cross so that we could live, and live abundantly. We don't have to do anything, it's already been done for us! We don't have to work to receive God's love. If we are in Him, He sees the finished work, not our sin! This is true for me and this is true for you, His beloved! He loved me enough to push my past my sin, and He's put me in a waiting period to do it. The waiting has not been in vain! He has used this time to refine my heart, removing impurities and slowly making me more like Him. He has reclaimed the desire He placed within me as His, making it a Holy desire again.
I think of my friends, family, and the people surrounding me and all the ways God makes us wait. Maybe you are waiting for a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. Maybe you are waiting for a job, or waiting to be finished with school. Maybe you're waiting for God to bring you a community of believers, or you're waiting for Him to free you from chains binding you, whatever they may be. Maye you are waiting to hear from God as to a next step to take. You might be in our shoes, waiting on children. This is true for all of us: Waiting is hard. Really hard. Sometimes we've been in this place so long that we forget why we're here, or we question the desire that seems to be keeping us here. Sometimes we struggle with everyone around us who seems to be getting what we want. Sometimes, if we're honest, we get mad at God for making us wait. Sometimes, we try to manipulate our circumstances to make the wait shorter. But for all the ways we fall short in our waiting periods, whatever they may be, this rings truer than the difficulty of waiting: God is here. The waiting period is never wasted time, of this I know full well! He has not passed by us, or forgotten about our desire. He is just prepping us for something really, really amazing, better than our dreams! He is calling us to something greater than we can imagine! Therefore, He prunes. He prepares. He molds. He intensifies our faith, enabling us to trust Him. He inclines our hearts to seek His face and choose Him over everything - even the desire He placed within us. Because when we do choose Him, we experience a freedom unlike any other: a freedom for our souls. Chains begin to fall away, one by one. Our hearts are healed and made new! And we find ourselves saying, "I trust you in this place."
I wrote this poem last night in my quiet time as a result of my devotional reading. It is a beckoning from God for us to trust Him. Now, I am a novice poet, as you will see, but I want to share nonetheless!
I am The Potter,
you are my clay.
Say yes to The Potter
as you go through this day.
Let me mold you,
let me make you new.
Feel the joy of my presence
as it is me you choose.
Let the waters of peace
wash over you here.
You can rest now, beloved,
For I'm holding you, my dear.
The Father beckons us. Let us receive the freedom He wants to give! Thank you, Jesus, for your work! We praise you.
