It's Here!

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A Little Announcement!

I am so excited (and very humbled) to share that I will be guest-writing a blog post for some friends of mine who are, in a few weeks, launching a new blog meant to be a collection of posts by women who are following Jesus. (Their words, not mine!) They have asked me to share our story of trying to have a baby and all that God has been teaching me in the process.

I am humbled, obviously, because anyone who desires to have me write is a total God-thing. I know me well, hence I know very well how full of sin I am! That God would use me in the midst of my ugly state is an honor; that He would make a way to allow me to share our story is a privilege.

I am also so excited for this opportunity because I realize this is God getting glory for the gifts He has given me. Let me explain!

A few weeks ago, I was exposed to some very valuable information that I have been itching to share! This is the type of information that, when really applied to our thinking, becomes a total game-changer.

Daniel and I recently made a big change in our lives in the form of leaving our church of nearly 6 years. It was a bittersweet decision; through that church I became a Christian and Daniel and I first met. To say it enabled life-change is an understatement! But, over time, we began to realize that God was leading us elsewhere, so we followed.

We have only visited one church so far, but we have enjoyed each visit thoroughly. A few weeks ago, the teaching pastor shared this message about how we can figure out God's will for our lives. He explained that in order to really begin to understand how God could use us, we should first understand the gifts He has given us: the thumbprints of God on our life.

Isaiah chapter 64 verse 8 says, "Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

Psalm chapter 139 verse 13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Based on this scripture, this is how we can be sure that there are thumbprints on each of our lives. Our God created each of us specifically for a purpose, and He is clear in His word that His work is wonderfully made. He tells us in Isaiah that He forms us as a potter would his clay. The potter works with his hands, really getting into the substance with which he works. He sculpts and molds and does not cease until he is finished with his work. You can bet that at some point of the process, the potter's fingerprints are on his product. It is no different with God. Because He carefully formed each of us, His fingerprints - his thumbprints - are all over us! His thumbprint is clear in the ways He has gifted each of us.

Maybe you excel at art; you can transfer scenes from your memory into a beautiful image, turning a blank canvas into, truly, a work of art. Maybe you can cook very well, putting even the most famous chef to shame. Maybe you thrive when put in a leadership position, able to inspire others with little effort. Perhaps you enjoy pouring out your time and effort at the benefit of others, having been given a servant's heart. Possibly, you are great at organization or someone who makes people feel at home just by being around you. Maybe you have a beautiful singing voice, or you love to dance, or you love to write.

Whatever part of your character that comes naturally, know that this is a thumbprint of God! Though it might be a little difficult to connect some of these gifts with glorifying God, they certainly will when utilized in the right way. Sometimes, though, the first step is accepting your gifts as, well, gifts. The teaching pastor went on in his message to talk about how most of us deny God's thumbprints through false humility; when other people affirm our gifts, we try to deny their compliment. We're afraid that by simply saying, "Thank you" we are inadvertently admitting to being proud, narcissistic, crazy people. By brushing off their affirmation, we are really denying the gift God has given us!

This has me written all over it.

I can't tell you how many times I've brushed off affirmations from a family member or friend. And every single time, I truly believed I was acting out of humility when what I was really doing was more like the translation below:

Friend: "I knew I could come to you to help me make this DIY door wreath; you're so crafty!"
Me: "*Laughing* Noooo, it's not that big of a deal. I'm just good at following online instructions."

Translation:

Friend: "Through my words I am affirming that you are good at creating things."
Me: "God, I don't believe you've given me a gift of creating things and I am going to deny this gift because by saying "thank you" I'm really saying "I know, I'm so amazing at life and everything I do."

What the?!

Truly, this is comical. I don't think for a minute that my friend would have heard me say "I know, I'm awesome" by simply saying "thank you".

And guess what? Neither will your friends or family members or even perfect strangers who can clearly see you've been gifted with whatever it is you are great at! So next time, don't play the deny game. Just say thank you! Give them some pointers on how to make a wreath, or a bow, or whatever it is you can make. I promise, it does not make you a narcissist.

It is true for all of us who struggle in this; that as we embrace the gifts God has given us, allowing our hearts to be opened to God's continual molding in our lives, we'll embrace the plans He has for us. We'll trust Him each step of the way. He'll get the glory, and we get to be a testament of His goodness, grace, and love.

By agreeing to guest write this upcoming post, I am choosing to deny false humility, and instead, embrace an opportunity to use the gift God has given me! I embrace that this is one step in many that He will lead me to take.

After all, it is His thumbprint, and I'm proud to have it.



Thank you, Jesus, for your work. We praise You!

It's my Re-Birthday!

For anyone wondering what a "re-birthday" is, I am so excited to explain! Six years ago, today, I gave in to a beckoning far greater than anything I could understand and gave my life to Jesus Christ! On this day, six years ago, I was reborn. God washed me in His grace, He made me a new creation in Him. He took away all my sin, my guilt, my shame and replaced it with mercy, grace, and forgiveness. Just as the vast ocean of regret and pain in which I was drowning became too great, God rescued me. He saved my life!

Somehow, this date sneaks up on me every year.

It is nearly half an hour before this day ends, and all at once I remember. In just a moment, I find myself overwhelmed with thankfulness and weep for all the ways God has repaired my broken life. Yes, He saved my soul that day as I crossed from death to life, but the saving didn't stop that day. He has continued to renew my soul each and every day. He continues to mend my brokenness in ways I am not always fully aware of. He is constantly working to free me of chains that bind. This is the business God is in: redeeming the lost and healing the broken!

I have mentioned before that I am a nanny, a position that I love so very much and one that I am incredibly thankful for! I keep two sweet children two days each week, and they are both SO much fun! While big sister, who is six years old, is at school, baby boy and I spend the majority of each Monday together. Baby boy is two years old and a joy to watch as he learns more and more about his world. In the past few months, he has begun to pick up more and more words, which makes our Monday's much more interesting. I can't always understand these words, so often he goes misunderstood. For example: The past month or so when I put him down for his nap, he would say a word that sounded, to me, like "walk". I understood this to mean he wanted to walk a little bit before his nap, to which I would remind him it was nap time, not walk time. Today, I finally realized what he has actually been saying: "Rock." As in, let's rock in the rocking chair. I felt pretty silly for not catching that earlier! I obliged him and decided to sing a few songs to him, too. I searched my mind for lyrics of worship songs I love, but could recall none at the moment, so I sang Jesus Loves Me. When I finished that, Amazing Grace popped in my head, so as the melody flowed, I worshipped in my heart:

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, My Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love
Amazing Grace

Growing up in a Christian family, I have been familiar with this song since childhood and it has always been a favorite of mine. It wasn't until God saved me that the words came to life in my heart. I finally understood God's amazing grace because He poured it out on me, even after I had turned my back on Him time and time again. I felt the flood of His mercy, because I knew the punishment of my sin was death. Jesus took my place. I felt it, I knew it, I received it; finally.

Anytime I sing this song, I think about the moment Christ met me face-to-face and pardoned my life. So, even though it took me a little while to remember the importance of this day, I worshipped my Savior today in the form of a lullaby for a toddler and remembered when He found me. I remembered when He made me new.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come!"
         - 2 Corinthians 5:17

Thank you, Father, for saving my life. Thank you for your mercy that you show me everyday, thank you for a love so great that you would die to save me, save us.

I am not worthy, but I receive what you pour out.

Thank you for offering each of us the choice to be free; thank you that in you we may find peace, we may find rest.

Thank you, Father, for the work you are doing. We praise You!

Just Step Out..

I think one of my favorite things about having a relationship with Jesus is how real it is.  How, when you least expect it, you can hear His voice and feel His presence as clearly as you speak to and physically see your spouse, friends, parents, or to whomever you are closest.  Yes, our beliefs require the faith to see with the eyes of our hearts as opposed to those on our face.  But if we were to allow God free reign in our hearts, the eyes of our face would see Him everyday.  Every single day.  We would hear Him speak a love lesson to us in the most ordinary moments of our lives.

Let me explain.

My husband and I love date nights!  We've learned that they are incredibly necessary (and fun!) in our marriage.  We've gone through short seasons where we were not being as intentional with date nights, a flop we both took part in.  During those times, we would be so caught up in the busy-ness of life that we weren't taking time to nurture our marriage, and it would suffer in one way or another.  We've learned from those failures that it truly takes effort from both of us to make date nights happen.

For Daniel, it is continually pursuing me, attempting to learn the ways of my heart and the desires that lie within.  He pursues me by really listening to me, even when I'm sharing how excited I am that I've finally found a favorite hair product I used years ago and haven't been able to find since.  Do you think he cares about my 'Chi Iron Guard' spray?!  Of course not!  But he cares for me, so he listens intentionally to whatever I share with him.  He pursues me by providing an environment in which I can flourish and grow spiritually.  No, this doesn't mean material surrounding - this is the spiritual temperature of our home and marriage that he sets as my leader.  He knows he isn't perfect, so he seeks the One who is.  He is able to encourage my spiritual growth through his own growing relationship with Jesus.  He also pursues me through romance - sweet notes, flowers, planned date nights; all of the above!  He puts his heart into whatever he does, which is ultimately his pursuit.  Godly, continual pursuit doesn't normally come easily or naturally to most men, but by keeping their eyes on Jesus, they are able to pour out that pursuit we love so much.

My part is through serving and stewarding in our home.  In our family, Daniel works in the corporate world while I am a nanny in our home.  Because I am home more, I can serve Daniel by providing a comforting environment that he can't wait to come home to.  This doesn't mean that everything is always spotless, because that isn't realistic.  It doesn't mean that our home is filled with expensive furnishings or the latest and greatest trends and technology.  But it does mean this: As wives, even when we really don't want to tackle the sink full of dishes for the 4th time this week, or dig our hands into the laundry basket full of dirty clothes, or embark on cooking a meal that will take a long time, we can choose to do it anyway.  We can choose to say "yes" to the little things because we are serving Jesus by doing it.  We are serving our husband by taking care of his needs.  We can choose to say yes because by doing so, we are honoring God.  By doing so, we are choosing to love our husband not for what he can do for us but because that is our command in marriage.  We do it to bless our husbands.  When we choose to bless our husbands (and anyone around us) we are opening our hearts to experience God's love and grace in a whole new way!  I wish it wasn't true, but I fail at these things often.  Some days, I  still choose to say "no" to those things, but I won't stop trying.  I can make it easier to answer "yes" by keeping my eyes on Jesus.  And no, our home isn't filled with the latest and greatest, but I can honor what God has given us by taking care of what we do have.  I can help steward what we've been given when grocery shopping, too.  I can choose to create menus within our budget and shop accordingly.  When I choose to take part in stewarding financially, I am not only honoring God but unburdening my husband.  When we stay within budget, that means we can have a fun date night. Daniel can pursue all day every day, but if I'm not taking responsibility for my choices, we both suffer, which goes both ways. Yes, each marriage is different as are our responsibilities within our families. But we each have a choice to make: We can choose our own happiness or choose to say "yes" to honoring God in the things we are responsible with.

By saying "yes", we invite God's presence into our lives.

On a recent date, we drove into the mountains of Georgia to a locally restored drive-in movie theater.  Daniel surprised me a few months ago with this planned night, and we had so much fun we decided to make it a tradition!  There is a local restaurant with a really delicious burger on the menu, and the atmosphere is lively and fun.  Local bands play on their outside stage which is surrounded by tables filled with people from all walks of life.  Both times we've gone, we've found ourselves at a little corner table by the windows looking out onto the patio.

When we arrive, we sit down, I put my feet up, and we grab each others hand while we wait for our food, only letting go to hand the menu to our server.  We talk to each other, just sharing life, and we people watch.  In front of the stage on the restaurant's patio is a raised water fountain, about 3 or 4 feet off the ground, round, and made of stone.  There is a father with his daughter; a brown-headed toddler with a smile that is contagious.  She is quite fashion forward, this little girl, wearing a white polka dot t-shirt, a bright blue skirt, and sparkly silver shoes.  She has the fearless wonder in her eyes of learning the world around her and the true walk of a toddler; that hard plop of foot with each step she takes, shoes glittering in the sun.  She meets no strangers, even the adult labrador retriever who seems very uneasy with her squeals and inquisitive hands; he attempts to climb into his owners lap as she moves closer.  She sees the raised fountain and curiosity fills her eyes.  Her father raises her up to the wide lip of the fountain and lets her walk around it, holding her hands the entire time.  I watch as she walks around a few times, then buckles her knees as a sign she is finished with this adventure.  Her father lifts her back up and lets her down easy on the ground, where she walks around and delights most of the adults around her.  But she isn't finished!  Back to the fountain she goes, father lifting his daughter.  This time, when she has had enough, she attempts to step off on her own.  She gives no warning.  She is walking joyfully one minute, arms raised as her father holds her hands, and the next, her leg is swinging far out, foot dangling mid-air.

And here is God.

He says, "What if you trusted me wholly this way? You can step out, knowing I'll never let go of your hands."

"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Luke 18:17

The child doesn't question.  She doesn't have fear.  She steps off because she is ready, and she feels the pressure in her hands knowing she is being held.  She knows she will not fall.

What if I adopted that faith?  How could God be glorified if I trusted him wholly and stepped out, knowing He would be there every step of the way?

My life would be changed.  My heart would be purified.  I would be like that little girl, walking boldly through life, no fear of what is to come, only excitement and joy filling my soul.  I would live in the assurance knowing I am loved, in the freedom knowing I am watched over.

I would step out.


Thank you Jesus, for your work. Thank you for speaking so clearly! We praise You.

God as the Potter

It has been quite a while since my last post! I feel like I start most posts with that line, and it's true. Most of them have been far between! I can always feel when God is pushing me to write - I get an "itch" as I like to call it - a little stirring within and before I know it, God has put something on my heart to share.

I've been living lately in the belief of the promises God has given Daniel and I regarding children. When we pray, we speak boldly. We stopped asking God to give us children and instead have begun asking God to prepare us for the children He has promised. In living the faith, I've begun to notice just how much Jesus has transformed my heart and the desire within, reclaiming it from the ways I've selfishly tried to take it into my hands. The truth is, we all have desires for our lives. Sometimes it can be super tricky deciphering which desires are ours and which desires come from Jesus, no doubt. When I was a young teenager, before I became a Christian, my aunt gave me a small, rectangular piece of wood, meant as wall decor, that was hand-painted and decorated in all sorts of fun girly colors. On it was written this bible verse:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
              Psalm 37:4

As soon as I opened the gift, I loved it immediately! Not necessarily for the bible verse but for - you guessed it - all the fun girly colors. I remember getting home, hanging it on a wall in my bedroom, and then sort of forgetting it was there. Don't get me wrong, it was pleasing aesthetically, but beyond that, it didn't have much meaning. But then, I began paying more attention to that verse. I would read it over and over, trying really hard all the while to understand what in the world it meant. It made absolutely no sense to me! Delight myself in the Lord? Huh?! How do you do that? Give me desires? WHAT?! You get the idea.


I didn't understand that verse before meeting Jesus but in the years since becoming His child, it has become a staple in my life. Something so simple as a gift that hung on a wall, God used to open my eyes to His ways and deepen my walk with Him. It has enabled me to decipher the origin of desires within me more times than I can count. As I have continued to seek Jesus more and more, my heart has become so delighted with Him! As His child, I am in Him, and He in me. And just as the verse states, He has placed desires within me I know could only come from Him. Moreover, He has deepened my desire to have children in His time and in His way! That right there is proof enough that God is a miracle worker!

But true to form, the human condition creeps up every now and then, and those desires placed by God are manipulated in our selfishness. I was here for so long. I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted it. I was living in a self-induced prison, having taken something God meant to glorify Him into my hands, turning it ugly. For a long time, having children wasn't about God's calling on my life, but about me, something I am ashamed to admit but also very humbled by. I don't need to look back to September 2007, when God saved me, to see the ways He has transformed me; I only need to look back to last year, last week, or even yesterday. He is constantly shaping me! Every morning I wake, I am promised new mercy, as Lamentations 3:22-23 states. When God looks at me, He doesn't see my sin, but instead the finished work of the cross. Mark 16:19 says "After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God." Jesus could sit down because all His work was done! He died on the cross so that we could live, and live abundantly. We don't have to do anything, it's already been done for us! We don't have to work to receive God's love. If we are in Him, He sees the finished work, not our sin! This is true for me and this is true for you, His beloved! He loved me enough to push my past my sin, and He's put me in a waiting period to do it. The waiting has not been in vain! He has used this time to refine my heart, removing impurities and slowly making me more like Him. He has reclaimed the desire He placed within me as His, making it a Holy desire again.

I think of my friends, family, and the people surrounding me and all the ways God makes us wait. Maybe you are waiting for a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. Maybe you are waiting for a job, or waiting to be finished with school. Maybe you're waiting for God to bring you a community of believers, or you're waiting for Him to free you from chains binding you, whatever they may be. Maye you are waiting to hear from God as to a next step to take. You might be in our shoes, waiting on children. This is true for all of us: Waiting is hard. Really hard. Sometimes we've been in this place so long that we forget why we're here, or we question the desire that seems to be keeping us here. Sometimes we struggle with everyone around us who seems to be getting what we want. Sometimes, if we're honest, we get mad at God for making us wait. Sometimes, we try to manipulate our circumstances to make the wait shorter. But for all the ways we fall short in our waiting periods, whatever they may be, this rings truer than the difficulty of waiting: God is here. The waiting period is never wasted time, of this I know full well! He has not passed by us, or forgotten about our desire. He is just prepping us for something really, really amazing, better than our dreams! He is calling us to something greater than we can imagine! Therefore, He prunes. He prepares. He molds. He intensifies our faith, enabling us to trust Him. He inclines our hearts to seek His face and choose Him over everything - even the desire He placed within us. Because when we do choose Him, we experience a freedom unlike any other: a freedom for our souls. Chains begin to fall away, one by one. Our hearts are healed and made new! And we find ourselves saying, "I trust you in this place."


I wrote this poem last night in my quiet time as a result of my devotional reading. It is a beckoning from God for us to trust Him. Now, I am a novice poet, as you will see, but I want to share nonetheless!

I am The Potter,
you are my clay.
Say yes to The Potter
as you go through this day. 
Let me mold you,
let me make you new.
Feel the joy of my presence
as it is me you choose.
Let the waters of peace
wash over you here.
You can rest now, beloved,
For I'm holding you, my dear.

The Father beckons us. Let us receive the freedom He wants to give! Thank you, Jesus, for your work! We praise you.









 

Let Me Be the Shunammite Woman!

It has been quite a while since my last post and I have been itching to write for the past week or so. I want to share today the bold prayer Daniel and I and several friends and family are praying, but first, I must give you a little background information. (Anyone who knows me knows I am incapable of telling a "short story" so beware!)

If you know Daniel and I or have been reading my recent blog posts, you know where we've been the past 20 months: We've had two miscarriages.

I've been through so many emotions and struggles through this time, all truly based on worry, which Jesus clearly commands us not to do as we see in Matthew 6:25-34, where the variation of the words "do not worry" are mentioned FIVE times! I have held in my heart a deep, deep desire to have children, but have worried I would not be able to carry and birth a child. Daniel and I both want several pairs of feet running through our house, but I have asked God if He would allow me to carry at least one child. If He calls us to adopt our children, we will do it faithfully and joyfully, but I have not been able to 'get over' this desire to carry a child.

I realize now, that desire is there because God's calling to motherhood has not been lifted. Do I know what He has in store for us in the future? No, of course not. But He has not called me to let go of this desire, because it's been placed in my heart by HIM.

Recently God has blessed my life with a budding friendship of a very Godly and wise woman, who is a mother, but has also experienced the pain of miscarriage. We were having lunch one day and I was sharing with her my strong desire to carry a child, and at the same time how I'd been trying to navigate God's will for us as opposed to my own. As I can't fully explain the depth of that desire here, I couldn't explain it to her, either, but I tried nonetheless. God used her in that meeting to remind me that, if we are delighting ourselves in Jesus and we have a deep desire for something, we should remain hopeful that God will bring that desire to fruition. I agreed with her, and from that point, began to pray again that God would bless us with children. (Somewhere along the way, I believe I tried to bury that desire. Thank you, Jesus, for unearthing it again!)

A few days later, she sent me this scripture followed by her feelings about it, which I will include because she explains it so eloquently:

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the  Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:5

I feel like this speaks to validity of the hopes you have for children. God's plan doesn't always look like ours and His timing almost never looks like ours but we are still called to to hope, and promised here not to be put to shame in that hope! To dwell in the truth, today, that He is doing a work suited to fill the deepest crevices of your soul that He purposely and lovingly made.. all will be as it should! So I encourage you to keep your hope alive of carrying a child; He will not put that hope to shame!"

Now, let's fast forward to Mother's Day. I have been feeling great lately but I still anticipated at least some part of the day to be a little rough. During mothers day service, all mothers are asked to stand and be recognized; I didn't necessarily look forward to this. I joked with my sister-in-law, Heather, that I was going to stand anyway; it may be unconventional but I am a mother - my children are just not here with me on Earth. (All jokes aside, if you happen to be in my shoes, someone who has lost children in pregnancy or even after, you must understand that you are not merely a woman who has experienced a loss; you are a mother who has lost her child.) I could have stood - my church family would have accepted it and I wouldn't have been judged, don't get me wrong - but I didn't. As I sat there, Heather beckoning me to stand beside her, for the first time in months and months, I cried for the loss of my children. I got it together and sat through the message, which was preached out of 2 Kings 4:8-17: 

"One day Elisha went to Shunem. And a well-to-do woman was there, who urged him to stay for a meal. So whenever he came by, he stopped there to eat. She said to her husband, "I know that this man who often comes our way is a holy man of God. Let's make a small room on the roof and put in it a bed and a table, a chair and a lamp for him. Then he can stay there whenever he comes to us." One day when Elisha came, he went up to his room and lay down there. He said to his servant Gehazi, "call the Shunammite." So he called her, and she stood before him. Elisha said to him, "Tell her, 'You have gone to all this trouble for us. Now what can be done for you? Can we speak on your behalf to the king or the commander of the army?'" She replied, "I have a home among my own people." "What can be done for her?" Elisha asked. Gehazi said, "She has no son, and her husband is old." Then Elisha said, "Call her." So he called her, and she stood in the doorway. "About this time next year," Elisha said, "you will hold a son in your arms." "No, my lord!" she objected. "Please, man of God, don't mislead your servant!" But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her."

I began to feel that God was using this story to give me a promise. But just as the Shunammite woman dismisses Elisha's promise to her, I began to dismiss Gods. I didn't want to get my hopes up - again - and be disappointed - again. God was not to accept my doubt. Toward the end of the service, the video entitled God Made a Mother was shared, and at the images of a mother cradling her swollen belly, I began to weep. The desire had not left. I sat with my husband on one side and my sister-in-law on the other, weeping uncontrollably but feeling the love of God every second. Daniel held tight with the strength I didn't have; Heather wept with me and shared the grief I felt. When the service ended, Heather proclaimed that this story was ordained by God for us; that this was to be our promise. This was divine confirmation that what I had heard and felt was not to be dismissed with doubt.

So, this is our prayer and proclamation:

Let the Shunammite woman's story be ours! By this time next year, we will hold our baby in our arms.

You don't have to tell me that this a mighty, bold prayer. As I mentioned earlier, I have been itching to write for the past week, but I have honestly been afraid to share this. What if God doesn't "come through" for us? What if He doesn't answer our prayer? But in the midst of the doubt and worry, I knew within me God was asking me to share this in faith. In a sermon several weeks ago, our teaching pastor preached about breaking the chains of fear, which you can watch by clicking here. Toward the end, he explains that the best way to break the chains of fear, doubt, and worry, are with faith - When you feel yourself asking the questions of fear that start with "What if?..," faith would have you declare statements of "Even if.." This is what I am practicing. I could easily continue to go the fear route: "What if we don't have a baby around this time next year and this blog makes me look like a fool?" Instead I am proclaiming faith: "Even if it doesn't happen this way, You are still God, You are still Faithful, You still Love me and You still have a GOOD plan for me!"

The following morning, this is what I read in my devotional, which is written as God speaking to His child:

"You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone. Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, any more than you can comprehend My dealings with others. I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment. As I said to my disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me." Referenced are Psalm 119:105 & John 21:22

Again, I believe this to be confirmation; a beckoning from God not to sink into the pit of doubt, and instead trust Him by following Him.

Every day I wake up saying, "I'm believing you, God!" I proclaim many times throughout the days, speaking aloud that He WILL do this! This WILL happen! He has been lovingly reminding me of all the ways He has been faithful to us these past 20 months. In the midst of the hardest struggle of my life, He was there! He was ever present, ever faithful, ever loving. I began reading through my journal entries from last year and decided to share this entry, from April 1, 2012, less than two months after our first loss, which I believe perfectly illustrates the beauty of God's faithfulness:

There has been unrest in my soul, a drought within me that seems endless. I have felt fear and anxiety. Will this happen again? Will I have to experience losing another child?

I have experienced worry upon worry; will I be fearful during my next pregnancy? Will I even be able to enjoy being pregnant? Will I be able to lose myself in the blessing of life growing within me?

I have experienced anger. Why, God? Why would you let this happen? Why would you want to utilize this loss as a way to bring me closer to you? Why couldn’t you get my attention some other way?

I have experienced heartache. I have broken my Savior’s heart in my sinful ways. I haven’t trusted him, I haven’t confided in him, I haven’t opened my heart to him. I have cursed him, yelled at him, and taken all my anger out on him.

I have felt grief. I so desperately mourn over this life that I didn’t get to meet. I mourn that my stomach is not growing from the life inside me. I mourn having to go through this life without watching our child grow.

But in the midst of all of this emotion has been God. His son, who He sent for my benefit and freedom, has been waiting for me and with me through every step of this journey. I have been reminded that He feels my pain. He knows my heartache. He weeps with me, his heart overflows with the sadness that overwhelms me. Just as I am angered that this happened, He didn’t want this to happen either. I believe that if it was His way, our child would be here NOW, an undeveloped yet precious life constantly growing within me. I believe our child would have been healthy, he or she would have been beautiful and perfect in the way he or she was created.

But instead, this didn’t happen. Not because Jesus is trying to teach us a lesson or speak to us, but because we live in a fallen world and this is just another example of how sin rules in this life. We are experiencing the trials of life, but Jesus has already overcome them. He has taken this heartache and is slowly shaping it into something beautiful. He is holding me, in my ugly, sinful state, and making me a newer, better, more whole person. He is chipping away at my dirt to reveal a brilliant, shining light he placed within me. Slowly, he is making me more like him. Though losing my child is tragic, God is making it beautiful, because this will be about Him, and he is the most beautiful thing about life.

Every day I am faced with a decision: To remain stuck in this dark, sinful place by refusing to open my heart to Jesus’ refinement or to allow him to move within me and accepting the freedom through that process. Some days I fail by choosing to remain stuck. Other days, I feel a little bit lighter as I have chosen to open my heart to Him who can heal and carry my burden.

Though I still feel mostly pain and heartache, I know He is with me. I may not feel his presence, I may feel dry and ugly and gross, but I have to believe he is here. Even in the midst of this despair, I want to love Jesus in the way He loves me. I want to be His servant, to be used by Him. I want to be less sinful and more like Jesus. I want to serve my husband well, I want to love my family unconditionally, I want to be a good steward of my time both on a daily basis and while on this earth. I want my heart to be pure and honest and free, but most of all, I want to BE free in the hope of Jesus and through His cross.

Though I am in a valley and can’t see the beautiful view which rests on a mountaintop, the soil is thick here. There are flowers blooming around me, grass gently swaying, and a breeze softly caressing me. There is peace here, there is hope here,  there is life here, even if I do not feel it right away.

I am eager to start my climb back to the mountain top. I am eager to experience a new, more precious view. But this is not about me. It is about the perfect One who has me here in this valley. He is equipping me for my next journey up the mountain, and will not send me on my way until I have everything I need to make my journey light.

And our child? He or she is perfect. He or she is worshiping Jesus as I transfer the thoughts of my heart into words. He or she is serving our Mighty God who is seated on the throne, and my God takes great delight in His wonderful creation. No, I will not have the joy of knowing this life during my time on earth, but one blessed day, I will see for myself how great this being is. We will worship our Savior together for all eternity; we will sing with the angels and praise the name of Jesus forever. It is in this that I find great comfort and can praise my God in the fire. No matter how long I am here, I will call on the name of the Lord, for he is the only one who can comfort my crying heart. He is the only one who can still my anxious soul.

Jesus, help me to do this daily. Help me to praise your name, help me to trust in your word, help me to open my heart to you. Shape me, God, make me new. Take away the dirt and make me shine. Take delight in me as you do our child, as you do your Son. Heal me, God. Heal me. Show me who I am in You and teach me to live in your presence. Teach me to love you, God. I want to love you. Do what you will in me, make me more like you.

In Jesus’ name.

If you are reading this and are a praying person, I ask you to join with us in praying the bold prayer that the Shunammite woman's promise will be ours. Please, petition God on our behalf. Please pray that we would have faith that God will do as He says, He will honor His promises.

Just as God honored my prayer to set me free, we believe He will honor the prayers of His children.

Above all, please pray that even if the timing of our desire doesn't match God's, we will remain joyful in hope.

Thank you Jesus, for the work you are doing. We praise you!

Love Abounds

Have you ever prayed for something specific for any amount of time and then feel completely humbled when God answers your prayer, like it's a miracle He heard you?

Well, this is me, like, ALL the time! How funny that I doubt if God really, truly hears my prayers. I know for me, this doubt is tied to my emotions: If I don't feel God there, I wonder if He really is. Though God created my emotions, He doesn't mean for them to rule my life. He created me to feel passionate, deep emotions, both good and bad. But sometimes, negative emotions get the better of me because they feel, well, so finite! They're NOT. Emotions are not in and of themselves an end-all or be-all. They should not take precedent over biblical truth, ever. This is an area of my life God has been convicting me of lately, reminding me that no matter what the current circumstance, no matter what the feeling, He is present. He is real. He loves me.

I have been praying for the past few months for God to show me how and how much He loves me. Dating back to my early childhood, I struggled in believing anyone could love me. This stemmed from a mix of both lies from Satan and a lack of parental love. Then comes my sweet husband, who God used to open my heart and eyes to what unconditional love looked like, and slowly, I started to understand that God, a perfect, sinless being, must be capable of a totally different, much greater type of love if my husband, a human with flaws, could show a love so deep as he has.

I have felt for many months that I must be on the verge of some great breakthrough. I could just feel it in my spirit that God was really, really trying to break me free of chains that have been binding me for a long, long time. I penned this scripture, Hosea 6:3, on our bathroom mirror a few months back as a reminder to continually seek the Lord no matter what I'm feeling/experiencing: "Let us know, let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn, he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the Earth."

During Easter services at our church, through a sermon clip filmed in the Garden of Gethsemane, this scripture from Matthew 26:39 was shared: "Going a little farther, he (Jesus) fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." This scripture is a beautiful representation of Jesus' submission to the Father, yes, but there's more here. Jesus struggled through the submission. Intellectually, I've known and received that Jesus' crucifixion was a terrible hardship (for lack of better word), but it was as if my heart had been asleep to this for the past nearly 7 years of my relationship with Him. Though He was a sinless human, He was human nonetheless - which means He experienced pain and heartache as we know these things to be, but multiplied more times than we can count. The weight of MY sin was almost too heavy for Him to carry. But here's the best part: He did it ANYWAY. He died for ME. I felt God speak to me in His tender way, "Carrie, I sent my son there for YOU. He struggled with an intensity you can't understand to save You, to free YOU. THAT is how much I love you. If you doubt, look at the cross, look at my face, and know my love for you is great."

Just like that, my prayer had been answered. I could do nothing but weep and praise Him. To this moment, I am dumbfounded by the thought. I think of all the ways I have hurt Him and will continue to hurt Him, and I realize He did it anyway. I think about the pain I've known of children lost, at the vapor of a second I got to experience the love of a parent for their child, and I realize He did it anyway. He chose to send His son to die anyway. I think about the cost, how for me, it would be too much to bear, and I realize He did it anyway.

The really fun thing about all of this is that my Father came to me just as He promised through Hosea. Just as I know the sun will rise each morning, God came to me. Just as surely as there will be rain, God came to me. In the Spring time, God came to me.

I have experienced a freedom this past week or so that I've never felt before. I have been able to let go of the worry, doubt, and lack of faith I have carried for far too long. This is my God! This is what He does! He loves us far too much to let us stay where we are. Because even if we think we're in a good place, He has something so, so much better waiting just ahead of us! My favorite part of all of this is that the same thing Jesus did for me, He did for every single human being that has ever and will ever walk this earth. He loves each of us more than our minds can comprehend!

I hope this encourages you the same way it has encouraged me! I hope you are able to see the way God has been faithful to me, just one tiny person, and have some shred of hope, no matter how small, that He can and will do the same for you! I'm praying that God breaks others chains the same way He has begun to break mine.

Thank you, Jesus, for your work! We praise you.

Happy Easter!

As a believer, I consider it an immense blessing to be able to celebrate the fact that I serve a God who is ALIVE! He is not dead, bones lying in a tomb somewhere. He is seated on the throne at the right hand of the Father, as we see in Luke 22:69: "But from now on the Son of Man shall be seated at the right hand of the power of God." He is very, very much alive and active in our lives! He is HERE, with us, every moment of every day. He is changing lives by the minute!

So however you spend the day today, know that you are loved immensely by the God of the universe who created you in your mother's womb, a God who was greater even than death!

                                             The Empty Tomb
                               Photo Courtesy of NewSpring Church


"But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they went to the tomb, taking the spices they had prepared. And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were perplexed about this, behold, two men stood by them in dazzling apparel. And as they were frightened and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, "Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen..." 
Luke 24:1-6 (emphasis mine)

Thank you, Jesus, that you submitted to death in order to free me, to offer me abundant life. Thank you for being more powerful than death!

Thank you, Jesus, for your work. We praise you!

Do I REALLY have faith?

My heart is full and wonderfully heavy with a new revelation from God, which came out of my quiet time last night. I don't know about you, but I LOVE when God speaks clearly. I anticipate His voice whenever I meet with Him, but there is just always something so special about hearing the God of the universe speak to little ol' me. I liken it to being a kid in a candy store - it doesn't matter how many times you've been there, every time is fun, new, and exciting! I most always feel giddy after hearing from the Lord; it reminds me that I am loved by Him in such a deep, great way that I cannot begin to fathom.

Sometimes God corrects us by pointing out an area in our lives where we are lacking or struggling. For me, this is a pretty consistent thing! Sometimes those corrections are hard to hear, but Proverbs 12:1 is very clear on the subject of correction: "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid." Wow! Some verses of the bible just flat out make me laugh with how blunt they are! Whenever God presents something to me in the form of correction, I try to remind myself of this verse and how He is making it clear that He wishes me to receive the correction, knowing that He is sharing it out of the purest of love in order to see me reach my full potential in Him.

Last night, God blew my mind with this revelation: I don't really have faith in Him like I believe I do.

I began meeting with a wonderful Christian counselor a few months ago. The issues of my past and present struggles - that I had been working so hard to keep hidden - were rearing their ugly head in a big, bad way, and I knew I had no choice but drop my pride and allow someone in to help me. My counselor has been used by the Lord in so many great ways to enlighten me of areas in which I struggle and why. There has been MUCH correction, so the verse in Proverbs has come up quite a bit in my heart. It has been a wonderfully difficult process so far. At the conclusion of my first visit, she gave me a copy of "Jesus Calling," a devotional by Sarah Young, which she writes from the perspective of God speaking directly to her. I began to read it regularly. Last night, I started my quiet time with this devotional, of which I will share an excerpt:

"When My Presence is the focal point of your consciousness, all the pieces of your life fall into place. As you gaze at Me through the eyes of your heart, you can see the world around you from My perspective. The fact that I am with you makes every moment of your life meaningful."

As I closed the book, God said, "Now read my Word." I picked up where I left off: Matthew 9. The opening of the chapter is Jesus healing a paralytic man as a result of the faith of the men who carried their friend to meet Jesus. Three more times in the chapter, Jesus heals as a result of faith, even bluntly questioning faith here in Matthew 9:27-29a - "As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" "Yes, Lord," they replied. Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"; and their sight was restored."

I quickly realized the "theme" of this quiet time: Faith. And then, ever so softly yet pointedly, I heard God ask, "Do you have faith that I can heal you?"

Woah. That's a heavy one. This is one of those corrections that causes you to stop everything and contemplate all the areas of your life that have been affected by it. So I had to ask myself, what areas have been affected by my lack of faith?

I immediately knew what He was talking about: Do I believe that God can heal my body in such a way that will allow me to carry a child full-term?

In September 2011, I heard very clearly God tell me to stop preventing pregnancy. At the time, our preferred method was the birth control pill. I shared what God told me with Daniel. We were both a little surprised, because though we were talking and praying seriously about when we should start to try to conceive, we just knew it wouldn't be until after I had graduated from college. (Funny how what you think you know doesn't always line up to what God knows! His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts! {Isaiah 55:9}) In September, I still had 3 months of school left. We both thought, "Are you sure, God?" Well, of course He was! So we were obedient, and I stopped taking my pills a week later.

By January 2012, we had conceived our first child. In February 2012, at just under 7 weeks gestation, I miscarried. We were devastated. But even in the midst of the pain, God gave us many promises that He plans to bring about a future generation through us, like this one is Psalm 102:18, the first promise He gave us: "Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord." Though I tried very hard to keep my head above water, I sunk into a depression that lasted for several months shortly thereafter.

And then in July 2012, we conceived again. We thought everything might be okay but I quickly began showing symptoms of miscarriage. Again, we were devastated, but we decided it was time to do something about it. We had my doctor refer us to a fertility specialist and God made a way for us to get an appointment the very next day for a consultation. Over the next month, I had a few different tests run to try to figure out what was causing the miscarriages. Conception was not the issue, thankfully, but obviously something was keeping me from carrying. All of the tests came back normal. We praised God for that but quickly the confusion set in: If everything is normal, then what is the problem? Our fertility doctor suggested I go on a few different hormone medications to act as a buffer of sorts, but neither one of us felt peace about that decision. So, we decided to do our very best to take our hands off this situation and let God do His work, in His timing.

Over the past 8 months, I have struggled tremendously to trust God in His timing and have the faith that He is going to do what He promised. People are always having babies, so it is a constant heart-check whenever I learn of a new pregnancy plus a reminder of what we've lost. I've always loved children and been fascinated by the miracle of conception, pregnancy, and birth, so it was never hard for me to rejoice when news of expecting parents reached my ears. Now, however, it's a little bit more difficult to feel joy as the initial emotion. But, God's truth trumps my emotions, every single time, so I try hard to hold fast to His promises and rejoice for the gifts God gives others!

Even though we still have no concrete answers about why we're miscarrying and I sometimes revert back to frustration with God in my lack of understanding of why those things happened, He uses quiet times like last night to bring me to the point: He can do it and He will do it. More importantly, He wants to do it! But He also wants me to really, really believe that He can do it. God wants good things for His children, and I know that when we have children, whether they are ours biologically or not, it will be in God's perfect timing and the very best gift He could give us.

I will bind this new revelation to my heart and ask myself each day: "Do I have faith in You today? Do I have faith that You will do great things today, both in and through me? Do I have faith that you are moving and working in my life, even if it isn't in my timeline? Do I really trust you?" Because let's be real - a lack of trust in God is really a lack of faith in Him.

I'm praying earnestly that the answer to all of those questions will be a wholehearted YES.

Thank you, Jesus, for the work you are doing. We praise you!