When I started this blogging journey
last year, I never would have dreamed of the ways God would use it to bless my
life. Furthermore, when our impromptu valley started 2+ years ago with the loss
of our first child, I never - I mean, never - could have begun to
imagine how God would transform my heart, my mind, my marriage, and really, my
whole life.
I truly started writing on this blog
as a way to open my heart and share my many struggles and vulnerabilities. I
really thought to God, even if one person can even slightly be encouraged by
You through this blog, then it's worth it. Making an effort to be open and vulnerable has been just that - an effort.
In the past, I have sadly prided myself on being able to put on my happy face
and play "pretend". You know - the game we all play sometimes as
adults - the one where we are trying our very best not to let others see
everything real that junks up our lives. I wanted to be that girl
that "had it all together", to look and talk and seem like
everything was peachy keen, even when it clearly wasn't. I remember with such
clarity the moments before I would hit "Publish" on each post I
wrote. Those moments were filled first with doubt; was anything I just wrote
actually from God or just made up in my brain? Next, I would think of people
and criticism and worry how foolish I would sound if none of my prayers were ever answered in an obvious way. I would wonder if being so honest was really worth it.
I wish I
could say, "Every time I felt those emotions I would immediately repent
of my sin and place all my trust in God and press that publish button with
confidence in my Savior!" I wish I could tell you that, but that's not
the case. I can tell you that God would without fail give me a
peace to share, but also without fail that peace was later followed by a mask
of faith that God would be glorified. In short, I was making it about me.
I clearly don't have it together and kind of suck at this "playing
pretend".
News to me:
Ain't nobody got it together.
(I sincerely hope you read that in
the wise voice of Sweet Brown. If you do not know who she is, please do
yourself a favor and look her up on YouTube.)
More news to me:
It's okay. It is okay to have
nothing together because God DOES have it together, and He holds it together
very well. Colossians 1:17 says, "He is before all
things and in Him all things hold together." So I can stop playing
pretend. I can be real. I can be vulnerable. I can share the good, the bad, and
the ugly and know that ultimately it all points to God; how good He is and how
I am clearly always kept in one piece by Him alone.
Even more
news to me:
God has glorified Himself through my
junk; through mine and Daniel's struggle.
Last month, someone reached out to
us, and it is with this person's permission that I share her story - in her words - of redemption.
There is no way I could properly explain the gravity of how much God
is glorified through this, so I'm just going to happily dump it on you!
[ I just wanted to take some time to
let you know you've been on my mind and my heart for almost a year now
constantly. After reading your blogs and posts, you and Daniel are in my
prayers constantly; in fact, almost daily. I want to share a little bit about
what God has been saying to me over the past months concerning you and Daniel
and your definite (I emphasize this word) future family. It is phenomenal that
through, what I can't even imagine have been some difficult and defeating
times, you have only used them to grow stronger in your walk with Him. I want
you to know that through your boldness for Him over the past year you gave me
the only peace I felt through what was the most difficult thing I'd ever had to
go through, and without even knowing it. It has taken me a very long time to
build up the courage to A) talk about this situation at all and B) share this
with you. Without knowing what all you have even been through, I can imagine it
being a very defeating topic to be brought up and haven’t wanted to do that. I
really need to share with you exactly what impact you had not only on my life,
but my child’s. Due to some circumstances, I made a decision that I never
thought I would: I had decided not to keep my child. I dreaded the day my baby
would be born. I remember the feeling I had when I saw the child I didn’t want
for the first time after I watched the video you shared on the adoptive
parents. Because of your words I constantly read through my
pregnancy, it was inadvertently YOU that gave me the greatest gift anyone ever
could. When I watched that video, all I heard was God telling me that you
needed to hear what your words and faithfulness did so that my child could have
life. Again, I've felt the need for a long time to want to personally explain
to and thank you for what you did for me. You gave me courage, strength, the
willingness to trust in His plan, and most importantly, gratitude. I have
learned, if nothing else, God’s timing is everything. And it may seem discouraging
for y’all to have gone through what you have, but it isn’t for nothing. You
saved my child’s life and me from an eternity of regret and sorrow. And, it
allowed me to let myself receive this precious blessing. What you both have
gone through is temporary and with purpose. God is going to pour blessing on
both of you because you did what you were called and let Him speak through you.]
Daniel and I read the words of this
brave woman and sat in dumbfounded silence for what seemed to be hours. We both
shed tears of joy, thankfulness, humility, wonder, and awe. Daniel sat beside
me with head held in hands until he finally broke the silence. As he scratched
his head, he said slowly, as if he was wrapping his mind around it at the same
time, "It is... moments like this... that put all the puzzle pieces
in place."
And he was right. It was as if all
the moments of despair, every second of confusion, every tear I cried in
mourning, every bit of anger I felt toward God, and all lack of understanding
we felt for so long made perfect sense all at once. Simultaneously I
experienced the overwhelming emotions of just how grossly unworthy I am of
God's goodness and how greatly humbled to be used by Him in such an incredible
way. More than that, all the pain of the pit we lived in for over two years was
suddenly okay.
It was more than okay - it was worth
it.
God's timing is impeccable. I think
of every detail that He orchestrated to make this come together and it leaves
me breathless. To be affirmed that my Father has been here every step of the
way, to know the nudging I felt was real and given to my heart straight from
Him, leaves me speechless. Even now, I find it so difficult to properly put
into words all the emotions running through me.
Knowing there is a child living
today who is surrounded by love - and this I know to be true - makes every
second of the last two years so, so worth it. This journey has been so hard,
but the beauty that has grown from the scorched ground we walked on is
indescribable and unmistakable. The awe of God, the glory of His love, is
something I beg to abide in every single day.
In the video linked above, the
father says, "It is ultimately God's story that we're a part of." How
very wise and true those words. It is not about us. It never was and it will
never be. Everything about this life begs for God's glory, and that we have
been given the precious gift to witness it astounds us.
NONE of this points to me. I have spent more time in the last two years
asking God "why?" then saying to God, "Okay." I have fought with Him
more over things not going my way then I have accepted His plan. I have
put myself first, time and time again.
But I am begging God for continued
awakening in my life, and if you are reading this, I am praying the same for
you. I pray you will know the great, great love of God that He freely pours. I
pray, that above all, God's glory is magnified through our lives, and that in
our struggles, His strength is made perfect.
Thank you, Jesus, for your wonder. Thank you for the work you are
doing. We praise you!
