Breathtaking Faithfulness

When I started this blogging journey last year, I never would have dreamed of the ways God would use it to bless my life. Furthermore, when our impromptu valley started 2+ years ago with the loss of our first child, I never - I mean, never - could have begun to imagine how God would transform my heart, my mind, my marriage, and really, my whole life.

I truly started writing on this blog as a way to open my heart and share my many struggles and vulnerabilities. I really thought to God, even if one person can even slightly be encouraged by You through this blog, then it's worth it. Making an effort to be open and vulnerable has been just that - an effort. In the past, I have sadly prided myself on being able to put on my happy face and play "pretend". You know - the game we all play sometimes as adults - the one where we are trying our very best not to let others see everything real that junks up our lives. I wanted to be that girl that "had it all together", to look and talk and seem like everything was peachy keen, even when it clearly wasn't. I remember with such clarity the moments before I would hit "Publish" on each post I wrote. Those moments were filled first with doubt; was anything I just wrote actually from God or just made up in my brain? Next, I would think of people and criticism and worry how foolish I would sound if none of my prayers were ever answered in an obvious way. I would wonder if being so honest was really worth it.

I wish I could say, "Every time I felt those emotions I would immediately repent of my sin and place all my trust in God and press that publish button with confidence in my Savior!"  I wish I could tell you that, but that's not the case. I can tell you that God would without fail give me a peace to share, but also without fail that peace was later followed by a mask of faith that God would be glorified.  In short, I was making it about me. I clearly don't have it together and kind of suck at this "playing pretend".

News to me:

Ain't nobody got it together.

(I sincerely hope you read that in the wise voice of Sweet Brown. If you do not know who she is, please do yourself a favor and look her up on YouTube.)

More news to me:

It's okay. It is okay to have nothing together because God DOES have it together, and He holds it together very well. Colossians 1:17 says, "He is before all things and in Him all things hold together."  So I can stop playing pretend. I can be real. I can be vulnerable. I can share the good, the bad, and the ugly and know that ultimately it all points to God; how good He is and how I am clearly always kept in one piece by Him alone.

Even more news to me:

God has glorified Himself through my junk; through mine and Daniel's struggle.

Last month, someone reached out to us, and it is with this person's permission that I share her story - in her words - of redemption. There is no way I could properly explain the gravity of how much God is glorified through this, so I'm just going to happily dump it on you!

[ I just wanted to take some time to let you know you've been on my mind and my heart for almost a year now constantly. After reading your blogs and posts, you and Daniel are in my prayers constantly; in fact, almost daily. I want to share a little bit about what God has been saying to me over the past months concerning you and Daniel and your definite (I emphasize this word) future family. It is phenomenal that through, what I can't even imagine have been some difficult and defeating times, you have only used them to grow stronger in your walk with Him. I want you to know that through your boldness for Him over the past year you gave me the only peace I felt through what was the most difficult thing I'd ever had to go through, and without even knowing it. It has taken me a very long time to build up the courage to A) talk about this situation at all and B) share this with you. Without knowing what all you have even been through, I can imagine it being a very defeating topic to be brought up and haven’t wanted to do that. I really need to share with you exactly what impact you had not only on my life, but my child’s. Due to some circumstances, I made a decision that I never thought I would: I had decided not to keep my child. I dreaded the day my baby would be born. I remember the feeling I had when I saw the child I didn’t want for the first time after I watched the video you shared on the adoptive parents. Because of your words I constantly read through my pregnancy, it was inadvertently YOU that gave me the greatest gift anyone ever could. When I watched that video, all I heard was God telling me that you needed to hear what your words and faithfulness did so that my child could have life. Again, I've felt the need for a long time to want to personally explain to and thank you for what you did for me. You gave me courage, strength, the willingness to trust in His plan, and most importantly, gratitude. I have learned, if nothing else, God’s timing is everything. And it may seem discouraging for y’all to have gone through what you have, but it isn’t for nothing. You saved my child’s life and me from an eternity of regret and sorrow. And, it allowed me to let myself receive this precious blessing. What you both have gone through is temporary and with purpose. God is going to pour blessing on both of you because you did what you were called and let Him speak through you.]


Daniel and I read the words of this brave woman and sat in dumbfounded silence for what seemed to be hours. We both shed tears of joy, thankfulness, humility, wonder, and awe. Daniel sat beside me with head held in hands until he finally broke the silence. As he scratched his head, he said slowly, as if he was wrapping his mind around it at the same time, "It is... moments like this... that put all the puzzle pieces in place."

And he was right. It was as if all the moments of despair, every second of confusion, every tear I cried in mourning, every bit of anger I felt toward God, and all lack of understanding we felt for so long made perfect sense all at once. Simultaneously I experienced the overwhelming emotions of just how grossly unworthy I am of God's goodness and how greatly humbled to be used by Him in such an incredible way. More than that, all the pain of the pit we lived in for over two years was suddenly okay.

 It was more than okay - it was worth it.

God's timing is impeccable. I think of every detail that He orchestrated to make this come together and it leaves me breathless. To be affirmed that my Father has been here every step of the way, to know the nudging I felt was real and given to my heart straight from Him, leaves me speechless. Even now, I find it so difficult to properly put into words all the emotions running through me.

Knowing there is a child living today who is surrounded by love - and this I know to be true - makes every second of the last two years so, so worth it. This journey has been so hard, but the beauty that has grown from the scorched ground we walked on is indescribable and unmistakable. The awe of God, the glory of His love, is something I beg to abide in every single day.

In the video linked above, the father says, "It is ultimately God's story that we're a part of." How very wise and true those words. It is not about us. It never was and it will never be. Everything about this life begs for God's glory, and that we have been given the precious gift to witness it astounds us.

NONE of this points to me. I have spent more time in the last two years asking God "why?" then saying to God, "Okay." I have fought with Him more over things not going my way then I have accepted His plan. I have put myself first, time and time again.

But I am begging God for continued awakening in my life, and if you are reading this, I am praying the same for you. I pray you will know the great, great love of God that He freely pours. I pray, that above all, God's glory is magnified through our lives, and that in our struggles, His strength is made perfect.

Thank you, Jesus, for your wonder. Thank you for the work you are doing. We praise you!