Do I REALLY have faith?

My heart is full and wonderfully heavy with a new revelation from God, which came out of my quiet time last night. I don't know about you, but I LOVE when God speaks clearly. I anticipate His voice whenever I meet with Him, but there is just always something so special about hearing the God of the universe speak to little ol' me. I liken it to being a kid in a candy store - it doesn't matter how many times you've been there, every time is fun, new, and exciting! I most always feel giddy after hearing from the Lord; it reminds me that I am loved by Him in such a deep, great way that I cannot begin to fathom.

Sometimes God corrects us by pointing out an area in our lives where we are lacking or struggling. For me, this is a pretty consistent thing! Sometimes those corrections are hard to hear, but Proverbs 12:1 is very clear on the subject of correction: "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid." Wow! Some verses of the bible just flat out make me laugh with how blunt they are! Whenever God presents something to me in the form of correction, I try to remind myself of this verse and how He is making it clear that He wishes me to receive the correction, knowing that He is sharing it out of the purest of love in order to see me reach my full potential in Him.

Last night, God blew my mind with this revelation: I don't really have faith in Him like I believe I do.

I began meeting with a wonderful Christian counselor a few months ago. The issues of my past and present struggles - that I had been working so hard to keep hidden - were rearing their ugly head in a big, bad way, and I knew I had no choice but drop my pride and allow someone in to help me. My counselor has been used by the Lord in so many great ways to enlighten me of areas in which I struggle and why. There has been MUCH correction, so the verse in Proverbs has come up quite a bit in my heart. It has been a wonderfully difficult process so far. At the conclusion of my first visit, she gave me a copy of "Jesus Calling," a devotional by Sarah Young, which she writes from the perspective of God speaking directly to her. I began to read it regularly. Last night, I started my quiet time with this devotional, of which I will share an excerpt:

"When My Presence is the focal point of your consciousness, all the pieces of your life fall into place. As you gaze at Me through the eyes of your heart, you can see the world around you from My perspective. The fact that I am with you makes every moment of your life meaningful."

As I closed the book, God said, "Now read my Word." I picked up where I left off: Matthew 9. The opening of the chapter is Jesus healing a paralytic man as a result of the faith of the men who carried their friend to meet Jesus. Three more times in the chapter, Jesus heals as a result of faith, even bluntly questioning faith here in Matthew 9:27-29a - "As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" "Yes, Lord," they replied. Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"; and their sight was restored."

I quickly realized the "theme" of this quiet time: Faith. And then, ever so softly yet pointedly, I heard God ask, "Do you have faith that I can heal you?"

Woah. That's a heavy one. This is one of those corrections that causes you to stop everything and contemplate all the areas of your life that have been affected by it. So I had to ask myself, what areas have been affected by my lack of faith?

I immediately knew what He was talking about: Do I believe that God can heal my body in such a way that will allow me to carry a child full-term?

In September 2011, I heard very clearly God tell me to stop preventing pregnancy. At the time, our preferred method was the birth control pill. I shared what God told me with Daniel. We were both a little surprised, because though we were talking and praying seriously about when we should start to try to conceive, we just knew it wouldn't be until after I had graduated from college. (Funny how what you think you know doesn't always line up to what God knows! His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts! {Isaiah 55:9}) In September, I still had 3 months of school left. We both thought, "Are you sure, God?" Well, of course He was! So we were obedient, and I stopped taking my pills a week later.

By January 2012, we had conceived our first child. In February 2012, at just under 7 weeks gestation, I miscarried. We were devastated. But even in the midst of the pain, God gave us many promises that He plans to bring about a future generation through us, like this one is Psalm 102:18, the first promise He gave us: "Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord." Though I tried very hard to keep my head above water, I sunk into a depression that lasted for several months shortly thereafter.

And then in July 2012, we conceived again. We thought everything might be okay but I quickly began showing symptoms of miscarriage. Again, we were devastated, but we decided it was time to do something about it. We had my doctor refer us to a fertility specialist and God made a way for us to get an appointment the very next day for a consultation. Over the next month, I had a few different tests run to try to figure out what was causing the miscarriages. Conception was not the issue, thankfully, but obviously something was keeping me from carrying. All of the tests came back normal. We praised God for that but quickly the confusion set in: If everything is normal, then what is the problem? Our fertility doctor suggested I go on a few different hormone medications to act as a buffer of sorts, but neither one of us felt peace about that decision. So, we decided to do our very best to take our hands off this situation and let God do His work, in His timing.

Over the past 8 months, I have struggled tremendously to trust God in His timing and have the faith that He is going to do what He promised. People are always having babies, so it is a constant heart-check whenever I learn of a new pregnancy plus a reminder of what we've lost. I've always loved children and been fascinated by the miracle of conception, pregnancy, and birth, so it was never hard for me to rejoice when news of expecting parents reached my ears. Now, however, it's a little bit more difficult to feel joy as the initial emotion. But, God's truth trumps my emotions, every single time, so I try hard to hold fast to His promises and rejoice for the gifts God gives others!

Even though we still have no concrete answers about why we're miscarrying and I sometimes revert back to frustration with God in my lack of understanding of why those things happened, He uses quiet times like last night to bring me to the point: He can do it and He will do it. More importantly, He wants to do it! But He also wants me to really, really believe that He can do it. God wants good things for His children, and I know that when we have children, whether they are ours biologically or not, it will be in God's perfect timing and the very best gift He could give us.

I will bind this new revelation to my heart and ask myself each day: "Do I have faith in You today? Do I have faith that You will do great things today, both in and through me? Do I have faith that you are moving and working in my life, even if it isn't in my timeline? Do I really trust you?" Because let's be real - a lack of trust in God is really a lack of faith in Him.

I'm praying earnestly that the answer to all of those questions will be a wholehearted YES.

Thank you, Jesus, for the work you are doing. We praise you!