Stream in the Desert

Drought. 

That's the word that comes to mind when I think of the last year and a half.

It's been a challenge for me to be positive for at least that long. There are so many aspects of our circumstances that have been frustrating, sometimes daily. There are things I wish I could change, things I wish wouldn't have happened, and things I still struggle to accept. And most of those frustrations eventually began to equal bitterness and a complete lack of joy.

I've been frustrated with myself. I've gone from walking through the toughest of valleys and somehow still thriving to walking through this one and just barely surviving. I have often wondered why I haven't been able to just snap the hell out of it and why I haven't been able to be grateful.

Why has it been so hard to focus on the good things? What is so wrong with me that I am blinded to the very obvious gifts in my life? 

We can probably all think of at least one person we know that is habitually negative. We probably love them and try to to encourage them, but that negativity takes a toll on even the most upbeat of personalities. Lately, that person has been me. 

Lately, I haven't recognized myself. 

I want that to change.

I'm lying here now, listening to my husband and daughter in the loft upstairs. Feeling my son move within me, my son who is almost 23 weeks into his creation and weighs about a pound. And feeling a stirring in my heart, the simple beginning of an overflow that is sure to come.

"I have good things for you," a familiar voice says. And for the first time in almost a year, I believe it again.  For the first time in too long, I feel hope rise against the persistent negativity. I feel the questions, frustrations, and the self degradation begin to be laid down.

And so here I am, whispering to my tiny baby boy, feeling waves of thankfulness for the feelings of gratitude that are stirring within me again. 

Gratitude for a Father's heart who simply loves His daughter enough to wait on Her as she tried to go it alone for too long. Gratitude for His patience as I almost lost my faith entirely. Gratitude that He is greater than any religion, or culture, or suffocating set of rules. Gratitude that His love really IS all that matters. Gratitude for letting me receive it. And for the words that are slowly starting to flow from my soul again.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like my feet are finding their way to solid ground again. For the first time in a long time, I see a stream in the desert. 

And I have hope that maybe, just maybe, this drought is seeing a beginning to its end. 

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." Psalm 143:8

Vision

The weather is beginning to change in Bamberg. The air is becoming cooler and crisp as Summer steps aside to make room for Autumn.

As we climbed into bed last night, Daniel acknowledged the appearance of the cooler days. Once we settled in, I slid my cold toes toward him and wedged them under the warmth of his skin and giggled as he recoiled from the surprise cold! I began to fall asleep with a peace as Daniel's hand rested on my arm.

Earlier in the day, I'd been forced to acknowledge grief over the loss of a friendship so many months ago. I wrestled through how to move forward and asked God as my head lay on my pillow what the right course of action should be. As I asked, I felt His peace wash over me. I knew what I needed to do.

He and I haven't been talking with the same frequency lately. I'm not angry with Him anymore, but instead thanking Him for the season of change and loss He walked us through. I've begun to reap the fruit of what was sown in the most recent season of life. It's as if we have an understanding now: the distance is ok between us for right now. We both know the love is there. For now, the season is of quiet. He still speaks occasionally, and I am listening when he does. I still seek Him, and He is there when I do.

One day during our cruise, I was working out in the gym that was built in the front of the ship, with floor to ceiling windows that overlook the open ocean. As I was sweating my way through my cardio, I said a quick thank you to my Father. For the obvious gift of being able to travel, but for the more serious gift of being forced to endure the most difficult season of my life. 

So as I brought to Him my challenging situation last night, I wasn't surprised when He responded. The peace of His answer was what I needed.

And then, as if He was icing the already sweet cake, He gave me an extra little gift.

Just as my consciousness began to shift into the dream world, I had a vision.

I was walking into a small but opulent hotel. The walls and floor were of cream and tan marble with gold inter lay, and a diamond pattern colored in a deep burgundy. On the wall opposite the concierge desk was a large mirror. Flanking either side of the concierge were a set of columns, also with the marble, gold, and burgundy.

I quickly walked past the desk and out of my periphery, noticed a figure in a hooded, brilliant blue and white cloak. As blue as the bluest sky you could imagine. I kept walking, but as I passed, I felt a beckoning to turn around. As I did, I noticed the reflection of the blue-cloaked figure in the mirror, and saw their face.

It was the beautiful, bright-eyed, smiling face of my Mama. 

She looked as I remembered her before she became so sick and frail, before the clarity left her blue eyes. And in the course of a second, I saw her smile and felt her love. I experienced peace and my heart leapt with joy to be able to see her face again. I wondered how I had walked by her and not noticed her presence.

In the split second after seeing her, I woke with a start. I began to weep with joy, and began to understand that I had seen her in her current being: peaceful, joy-filled, and whole. Wearing the brilliant color that enhanced her most beautiful features on Earth and makes her shine even brighter eternally. 

Furthermore, I realized that though I'm not always aware of her spiritual presence in my every day, she's there. She's watching over me, now a spiritual being assigned to my life. I don't always get to see her, but she sees me. She sees me and knows me not just in the purity of earthly knowing as a Mother does her child, but as an eternal being, with the knowledge of God. 

I realized after waking that I also saw a sense of pride in her expression. I knew: she is proud of me. Something I wasn't always sure of during our earthly relationship, I have been given access to understand in our eternal one.

All the grief of my current circumstance melted away. I fell asleep with the most pure peace enveloping my heart.

I thank God for the past season of loss. I thank Him now for the current season of simply being, and of quiet. I thank Him for the gift of opening the earthly-eternal barrier, even if only for a few seconds.

I thank Him for His love: enduring and steadfast and unmistakable.

I praise Him for the work he is doing.